Gate crashers

We had a couple of gate crashers last night - I remember now...

Normally at parties, especially at our parties, I surrender all sense of sociability and leave the niceties of talking to people, checking that everyone is happy and issuing platitudes to Lucinda. This time though it felt different, people were making an effort to chat with me, you know, actually search me out - no matter how hard I tried to skulk in corners or pretend that I was too busy DJing - they seemed to want to talk to be... unusual what with it being my birthday an dall.

So I'm in the corner of the room behind the decks, rummaging in the old record box and I stand up and there are two characters there who definitely don't fit in. They're old and rough looking - like - we like real ale drinkers, dressed right down with fat bulbous noses and whiskers and one of them has this long spindly grey hair and the other looks straighter and has this sort of mini quiff and an old SLR camera. They've both got paunches and so I'm like "Oh um yeah hello?" - which is the best I could muster up in the circumstances.

And they start talking to each other.

"It's Cornelius" "Yes it is indeed Mr Hooklam" "Well we should introduced ourselves shouldn't we Mr Dodley" "Introduce ourselves and give him the book, Mr Hookley" "The book indeed Mr Dudlam" "Why of course Mr Hudlam". "I told you we should have wrapped it though Mr Dukley" "Oh, you are so old fashioned, one does not need to wrap a present in this day and age"

Now I'm feeling a little twatted at this point and these two unhealthy shapes are not helping my mental health and they were just looking at me.... considering... waiting for their moment.

"The book" they say together.

And they give me this:

Now this happens to me a lot - with my name and everything - it happens all the time. Everyone thinks I don't know that there was a pulp writer called Zane Grey - a writer of third rate adenture novels most of which I now have...

So the book comes over and I give them a quick "Uh thanks - do I know you?"

"Mr Budley he says he doesn't know us" "Why Hooklock why should he? Of course he doesn't know us"

"You haven't met us before have you?" they say together.

And I'm like "No".

"He hasn't met us has he Mr Hocklam?" 'He's just an innocent isn't he Mr Dudcock?" "Look at how sweet he is" "So naive."

"Er... have gents got anything to say? Its just you know-"

"Well you're a little twat Cornelius Zane-Grey" they say together.

And then rough me up but... by... well ... by tugging at my hair - quite hard... pulling my shirt around... knocking my drink over... well spilling a bit at least ... and pushing the needle off the gimpbeat 12' I was dropping to the masses at the time.. (see picture)

And then there's some shouting and the Alpha males wade in and the two red-face characters are led out - alcoholics noses glowing - burning with indignation.

"Enjoy you party Cornelius! Enjoy yourself! Enjoy yourself! We hope you're happy now! Twat."

And they've gone.

And I'm... I'm confused.