Life just look so easy for everyone else...

I lay in bed and watched Luicinda this morning moving around our flat - making calls - paying bills - arranging... arranging I don't know what - just arranging everything - and it looked so easy... she's effortless... she was gone with a smile and a kiss in an instant... and then I got up... actually I didn't get up there and then I had a hand shandy, made some coffee, went back to bed, read last Thursdays paper, had a shower, got up, checked my mobile phone, had breakfast and then went back to sleep...

And that's my point.

I didn't know what to do. I look at other people and they seem to be so focused, directed... I still feel like a kid by comparison.... I'm over 30 now... I've passed the cusp... not middle-aged but its approaching on the horizon... and I don't know what I'm meant to do.

I'm still a child. Really - I thought I would have stopped feeling like this...

But I'm still a bloody child.

Maybe its because nothing bad - I mean really bad - has ever happened to me... maybe that is it. Maybe something has to happen - something of such seriousness that I make the transition - that huge transition into adulthood and then that's it... in one fell sweep... wooooosh the veil is pulled away and there I am... adult.

But for the while I'm still this child - still the same person I was a decade before.

Hmmmmmm.

This really isn't working as a gardening block is it?

Also all DJing gigs considered - very reasonable fees.

I take that back... about not wanting your work

I have a new spade and of course I am ready to work...

Any time any palce.

Waiting for your call.

It's very shiny you know...

Sorry about the last post - I think I was letting things get on top of me - the combination of the complete lack of interest in my work either as a gardener or as a DJ.

I've turned a corner now - I've decided to accept my fate - my lot in life - this is what I'm going to be obviously... so this is it.

I look at the rest of them - by whom I mean absolutely everyone else and they all seem to know what they are doing with their lives - kind of comfortable in them - and so I've decided I should be the same - hence this web-site and hence the new improved Cornelius 'ZG' attitude.

If it is my lot to stand in the bitter rain digging holes for some stuck-up stockbroker scum who earns more in an hour than I do in a year then so be it. I am at one with myself - as Sartre would say I am not living in 'bad faith'. I am not limited by the label "gardener and failed difficult DJ" - I will rise above it.

There I am arisen.

Please hire me - but if you do so understand that you do not own me.

Unless you pay loads of cash in which case I am most certainly yours.

No work for May

No work for May
Which is a great thing - really - its the Festival, my girlfriend has arranged masses of things for us to do - and I like culture... I wouldn't want to be getting all dirty in a garden anyway would I .

So don't call me at CZGardens.

Not for May.

I don't want your business.

Actually this whole blog thing isn't going to well is it?

Given that absolutely no-one has read a single word I've said - other than Lucinda - and that was only to pick on my choices and gardening tracks. Frankly I'm a little disheartened by the whole thing...

"Oh you need an online profile they said - oh yes you've got to do it. Now do it now and you'll see the difference."

Well this is the reality - a man sitting in his dressing gown with a mug of luke warm tea talking to himself via a VDU and a keyboard.

Well - look at me now.

Happy now!