Josh... just Josh... and Lucinda... and me.

Josh turned up in a new Italian designer leather coat today. All brown soft leather and a fur collar. Like he didn't take a cut on this job... like he didn't take a cut...

He sits in the back of the garage I'm building Lego man in - constructing and shaping him from layers of resin - and Josh just sits there smoking rollies and chopping up lines on an old chess board I stashed in there...

This isn't like Josh, he's normally so... engaged. Off other places doing his things and making moves and being important and now here he is getting wired in the oily air Russel's garage and telling me how to build an outsized children's toy...

What happened to him?

He was always the focal point, the one who had, the one who you wanted to know...

I met him at the same time I met Lucinda - outside a party in Camberwell - in London. We spilled onto the pavement outside the venue, it was actually a kind of sex party, well that was the way it had been sold to me - a kind of leather fetish event - actually it seemed consist of a random bunch of caners in their mid 20s getting twisted in a middle of the room surrounded by a salivating pack of middle-aged S&M sleaze creatures - praying on the young - waiting for one of them to make a slip or stray too far from their group - and then they'd strike and lead the little drugged up away to be toyed in the sub-urban dungeons.

So we stayed close and protected each other - even though we were strangers. Josh was there at the centre - dishing out pills with an air of assurity - he was the one who has - he always like to be the one who has.

The night ended and we spilled outside - into the streets - we had survived and were united in our victory over the drool sprayers inside. We milled around, "where next? where next?", it was 2am, a Saturday, we had managed to avoid being drug raped and now we were asking each other "where next?"

And Lucinda pointed at me and said "I don't know where, but I'm going where ever he's going".

And I thought - "this doesn't happen to me" - and I looked at her - and that was it.

I'd like to pretend that we went off that night, but I was too munted and Josh was being an attention hoover, sucking the energy of everyone there towards himself, and I couldn't work out where there was space for me.

But I got her number and called her later that week.

Bravest thing I'd ever done.

Yeah, I'm afraid it was.

And now she lives with me. And Josh... Josh has bloodshot eyes, he doesn't shave, he's smoking and is doing a couple of grammes a day and I'm wondering what has happened to us...