Josh left last...

He would never do that... I lay in bed for hours... eyes wide... unable to sleep listening to their voices bouncing round the room.

I couldn't here what they were saying but the rthymns and patterns told me they were talking closely... personally... on and on into the morning...

I lay there torturing myself. Sometimes when they went quiet it was worse. I imagined what they were doing. My imagination would begin sliding out of control... picturing... torturing myself. Then I'd get up to go for a slash... under the pretence of going to the slash... and I'd see them sat together on the couch. Side by side... in silence.

He left at about 11 - the door clicked and I watched him go out into the street. He turned as he left and I swear, I swear for an instant his eyes met mine... and in that moment his eyes were so gentle... so... resigned... that I almost felt sorry for him...

And then the feeling passed.

And a ghost of a smile touched his lips.

And he turned and left.

Lucinda came to bed and held me tightly as she slept.... I turned my back to her and her arms encircled me... I woke before her.

And here I am now.